Marriage 101
In Episode 17 of Sex with Emily, Drs Patrick and Michelle Gannon join the show and share a little about their Marriage 101 class. Here are some interesting points they bring up.
- Couples have four roles: friendship, business (running the house for example), parenting, romantic (being intimate for example).
- If a couple is happy, this happiness only accounts for 15% of their marital satisfaction. If a couple is unhappy, it accounts for 85% of their marital satisfaction.
- The chemicals dopamine and oxytocin, among others are released during sex. [Oxytocin is associated with the bonding emotion. Dopamine is central to the brain's reward system]
- The most common thing that newlyweds need to figure out: time, sex, money.
- The number one argument starter for all couples: money.
- Happy couples have a 5:1 ratio of good to bad in their relationship.
- The following is a list of unhealthy behaviors: criticism, contempt (like rolling one's eyes), defensiveness and stonewalling (like silence treatment).
- Men need 20 minutes to calm down, women need 12.
Re: Marriage 101
just saw this in the list of marriage issues on your page.
had to respond.
criticism is not an inherently unhealthy behavior. insensitive criticism can be. excessive or badly timed or badly worded criticism can be.
honest, constructive criticism is not ony a part of any healthy relationship, it can be considered a duty in the context of a serious trusting friendship, if the behavior being criticised is destructive.
friends can be defined as those people who are willing to risk telling you what you need to know.
lack of criticism of any kind is unhealthy.
discouraging (ie criticising) criticism is very unhealthy.
hope you take my criticism in the constructive spirit intended ;) and i didn't overdo it.
jvol
had to respond.
criticism is not an inherently unhealthy behavior. insensitive criticism can be. excessive or badly timed or badly worded criticism can be.
honest, constructive criticism is not ony a part of any healthy relationship, it can be considered a duty in the context of a serious trusting friendship, if the behavior being criticised is destructive.
friends can be defined as those people who are willing to risk telling you what you need to know.
lack of criticism of any kind is unhealthy.
discouraging (ie criticising) criticism is very unhealthy.
hope you take my criticism in the constructive spirit intended ;) and i didn't overdo it.
jvol
Re: Marriage 101
I agree with you. I think healthy criticism can be a welcome part of a healthy relationship. In my mind, the word criticism itself carries with it a negative stigma. Perhaps this has to do with people's having received criticism improperly, as with any of the unhealthy types you mentioned, or without the required cleanup afterwards. Perhaps I'm projecting. Either way, I'd be disappointed if a friend failed to offer me constructive feedback on how I could improve myself because they were afraid it would destroy our friendship. I suppose I consider it a duty of the relationship as well.
I think an important part of your definition of "friends" is the word "need". A friend is not only able to criticize you; but, they also have some idea of what is appropriate to criticize. They don't criticize without prejudice. I suppose the motivation for the criticism might say something about the friendship as well but tracing the source of the motivation can often send us into a logic bomb.
The list of unhealthy behaviors was actually from Michelle Gannon. The radio DJ, Emily, has a chaotic interview style so Michelle had to squeeze that comment in edgewise and she didn’t really have a chance to elaborate on it. Based on that interview, I think she'd agree with you.
Thank you for the criticism. I've added you as a friend.
I think an important part of your definition of "friends" is the word "need". A friend is not only able to criticize you; but, they also have some idea of what is appropriate to criticize. They don't criticize without prejudice. I suppose the motivation for the criticism might say something about the friendship as well but tracing the source of the motivation can often send us into a logic bomb.
The list of unhealthy behaviors was actually from Michelle Gannon. The radio DJ, Emily, has a chaotic interview style so Michelle had to squeeze that comment in edgewise and she didn’t really have a chance to elaborate on it. Based on that interview, I think she'd agree with you.
Thank you for the criticism. I've added you as a friend.
Re: Marriage 101
yeah, i figured we probably didn't disagree by much. :) I also figured it was probably a quote.
I'm just driven to make this point whenever it comes up, because of what you said:
"In my mind, the word criticism itself carries with it a negative stigma."
I think this is true for a large and growing number of people, and I think the stigma is having a negative impact on our society. Americans by nature are dangerously passive-aggressive as it is. the last thing we need is to be supressing any more of our communication and stigmatizing people for seeking truth.
I don't mean to be writing a blank check for nitpicking or character attacks, I just hope that we can someday have a level playing field, in which a persons response to constructive criticism is to check in and challenge it on its merits - ask if it is constructive or not, ask where its coming from -in other words, have a conversation- rather then just knee-jerk dismissive branding as "negative".
You're certainly right - I know that lots of inappropriate-destructive criticism happens. but even that would be better responded to by constructive criticism rather than dismissal.
I'm fighting what I see as an unhealthy trend.
thanks, glad to have a new friend!
I'm just driven to make this point whenever it comes up, because of what you said:
"In my mind, the word criticism itself carries with it a negative stigma."
I think this is true for a large and growing number of people, and I think the stigma is having a negative impact on our society. Americans by nature are dangerously passive-aggressive as it is. the last thing we need is to be supressing any more of our communication and stigmatizing people for seeking truth.
I don't mean to be writing a blank check for nitpicking or character attacks, I just hope that we can someday have a level playing field, in which a persons response to constructive criticism is to check in and challenge it on its merits - ask if it is constructive or not, ask where its coming from -in other words, have a conversation- rather then just knee-jerk dismissive branding as "negative".
You're certainly right - I know that lots of inappropriate-destructive criticism happens. but even that would be better responded to by constructive criticism rather than dismissal.
I'm fighting what I see as an unhealthy trend.
thanks, glad to have a new friend!